Since I’ve been back from Oakland, CA, I’ve spent much of my time away from the computer. Because of that, this blog has lagged a bit, but because of the experiences that I’ve lived through it will contribute to worthy content.
Integrating what I’ve learned from my ayahuasca journey has been challenging. There are many bumps in the road and questions that come along in this journey. Specifically when you’re trying to assimilate back into American culture.
After traveling home to New Jersey (spending time with family and friends), hanging out in Manhattan and then coming back to Boulder for a graduation weekend, numerous observations were made. Everything mostly had to do with my future. Majority of the people around me were consumed within the consensus trance or on the verge of entering it. I saw people that weren’t necessarily happy with where they are at or will be, everyone was just going through the motions, looking for the light of day.
While many changes were taking place, so were the mixing of my emotions; I found myself contemplating which intuitive desire is the right one to approach. I’ve feared that I may thin myself out by being a jack of all trades. The question that frequently pops up is how do I survive in this crazy society that I nearly want to escape. Freedom to live is all I want, but for me, that doesn’t necessarily take place without financial freedom–as will always be the case, most likely. There are so many question marks for undertaking a shamanic path.
One night at a bar in Boulder, I found myself standing near a man whom I found intriguing for how he looked. For several months I’ve been wanting to find a native shaman. Something inside me told me that he would know. I did say anything and held that thought in, going about the rest of my night with my friends. The DJ at the bar was playing very groovy music and there came a moment at which I really liked a song. I tried to Shazam it, however because of the layout of the building, the sound wasn’t able to be identified. So, I decided to walk up near the DJ to use the application to identify the sound. Next thing I know, that man is now standing next to me and said, “hello.”
I’m not sure if it was the booze, but I decided then to ask the man if he was native. After saying yes, I just flat out said that I wanted to see a native shaman. I just figured that he’d know one. He told me that there are many medicine people in the mountains. That I have to go into the mountains to find what I’m looking for. He said that he was a shaman. He said that there was a reason of why I was there “right now” talking to him. He told me that everything about me at that moment was not truly me. “This right here [moving his hand up and down, scaling my body] is not really you.” “Shamans have to look different, because we are different.” “That may be longer hair or jewelry (which he had both).” I showed him my necklace and pointed to my hair as it is far longer than it ever being. He said, “you’re already a shaman, but you’re a shaman in the making.”
Because I was on the verge of leaving the bar with my friends, I gave him my card and asked for him to please contact me. I later realized that my new cards don’t have my email address listed. I probably should have just taken down his number, but I’m still hoping that somehow we’ll cross paths again. Everything that he said resonated and stuck with me for the rest of this emotional weekend. If this interaction is all this it is, then I guess I’m satisfied with it.
My second shamanic experience came up in conversation with a friend at the graduation party that I attended. She’s from Latin America and studies Mayan Shamanism. What she said was fairly simple and straightforward, although this too resonated with me. To give you a better background, I was dressed up for this party and for that I took off my necklace, while wearing a collared shirt. She pointed out the fact that I must always wear one for protection. That anyone who wants to be a shaman must wear some form of protection. I tried laughing about it, saying that it was a one off scenario, because I always wear necklaces, but she continued to stress this topic. What came out of it, was that I realized that I may not be fully embracing shamanism 100%. I certainly could have used that protection at the wee hours of that night. Something ended up happening to me that night, that I wasn’t hoping for.
I left that party at 3AM upset, mad and just exhausted. The second I got home, I went to my room and put on a necklace that I haven’t worn yet, from Peru. This necklace has three large pieces of quartz tied to it and a small piece of varnished ayahuasca bark. It’s a powerful necklace that is supposed to ward off evil. It’s a heavy necklace that just looks really powerful. It feels a bit different wearing this one compared to the others.
As with many high emotional nights, I really didn’t sleep much. All I wanted to do was have a conversation with my aura reader. I just felt like this past weekend and my visit home had raised so many questions about what was truly right for me. As I said earlier, I want to stay on my path and not spend as much time focussing on other interests, if they aren’t lined up with my path. I was overwhelmed and just needed insight.
That morning and early afternoon was fairly gloomy, although it was warm and bright outside. I just felt alone, the air was stagnant and there wasn’t enough energy around me from people of my inner circle. I tend to get into a depression when I am forced into detachment and the experience that I had at that party fostered these ill feelings.
As I walked around Boulder, all I saw were “others.” People so caught in the trance of society, just like the movie, The Matrix. Ever since I drank ayahuasca, the world looks entirely different. Although I always felt disconnected from what we’re told is normal, ayahuasca put me in touch with the spirit world, my conscious and nature. Just as I saw in New York City, the people here in Boulder had me feeling like I did not belong. I got the sense that I just felt like running away. Where is my place in society? As I looked around, all I saw were families wearing matching cloths of named designers, pushing their baby carriages, wearing dress shoes and eating ice cream cones. There is no way that this is supposed to be me. This culture is so cookie cutter, it is sickening and I really felt nauseous.
While at the Pearl Street Mall, I showed my friend my favorite bookstore–Lighthouse Bookstore. He asked if I wanted to go inside. Feeling the way I was, I hesitated and finally said yes. We went in there looking for literature on herbs. This whole time, I still felt the need to call my aura reader; it just happened that they had a a psychic doing readings at the bookstore. I asked the cashier what the prices were for the services. He told me that she, Paula J. Krueger, is very good. I thought about it, but said no. As I looked at the books within shamanism asile, I vaguely overheard a reading that was taking place. The response from the women getting consulted was exceptionally well, so I changed my mind and signed up–thankfully I was next on the list.
This reading probably couldn’t have happened at a better time in my life. Paula is a destiny card reader, utilizing a 52 card deck. She uses your birthdate, and anyone else that you have questions about to find the relations and characteristics that fall within the astrological code, that she has within a book or by memorization. She also has the ability to communicate with her guides or yours.
Within an instance, I found this reading to be authentic. She was able to help me understand the period of transition that I have entered. Why I’ve been feeling overwhelmed is mostly because I expect success and outcomes right away (be it impatient for success). That the associated feelings that I get with detachment is in me and not caused by anyone else. That this feeling is brought upon by my guides; I am supposed to dive deeper in it, in being alone, so I can reach my path toward enlightenment. That I should value my uniqueness more (which is pointing toward shamanism), and embrace it 100%. Of the people that I needed advisement on, she was 100% accurate of their characteristics and was able to make connections of why these people are in my life.
One thing that really seemed cool was that Paula asked for me to come and visit again. After telling her that I’ve connected with my old soul, she took a deep breath and held it for 20 plus seconds. When she exhaled, the hairs on my body stood straight as I got the chills. She said, “wow, you’ve got to come back here again.” “In all my years of doing this, I’ve never had this experience before.” Apparently my guides showed her who her old soul is–something that she has never seen.
In closing out that experience she said, you’ve got a real “Coyote Medicine” in you. I quickly told her to “hold on” and I went inside my book bag. With a huge smile on my face, I pulled out a book that I was reading called, “Coyote Medicine.” We were both astonished.
The second I left Paula, I realized what I had to do. I understood that everything that I was going through had a purpose. Life is all one giant lesson, that happens to start at our birth and the alignment of the cosmos. Because of it all, I feel much happier and stronger.
Later that night, I had some friends over and the start of my shamanic practice began. I made a very nice brew which was well received. I shall master the art of sacred herbal brewing.